Sit down, this is gonna be long. A lot of good and bad things have happened this year, and I’m not sure how to feel about it. Hopefully, writing about it will help me process what has happened, reflect on my experiences, and share my perspective. If you don’t like negativity or rants, stop reading after Arizona & New Friends. If you’re an employer and reading this, let this be nothing more than an example of how much I value open communication.
I won’t bother with the politics this year because I don’t fuck with the divisive nature of politics in the big 25. I think we need to start talking about a new order to the world because I’m tired of this country not working for me and the people I care about. That’s all I’ll say on the matter.
It Hasn’t All Been Bad
I’m trying to shift my mindset and focus on the positive aspects of this year instead of letting the negative events define me. I’m still going to cover everything, but I’m going to start with the good stuff and try to emphasize the positive aspects of this year.
Missouri
Last year I moved from Tucson to Missouri, and stayed with my parents for a few months before moving in with a high school friend of mine. I enjoyed the experience of living in a rural area, having a quiet and peaceful environment to work, rest, and relax. The lack of noise and distractions allowed me to focus on my work and personal projects without interruptions.
I setup my own home server, 3D print setup, and my roommate and I did some home improvement projects together. One of the most rewarding projects was running ethernet cables in the walls so they didn’t need to be ran throughout the house. I wanted a place to maintain my weapons, build and repair things, so I built a small workbench in our shed out back. This was a fun project that allowed me to refamiliarize myself with woodworking.
My roommate and I also liked to go out and fish together in the nearby lakes and rivers. I enjoyed getting to see beautiful parts of Missouri that I’ve never been to before. We also frequented the local shooting range and planned to go hunting together.
My Travels
This August, I travelled across the states, visiting various friends and seeing a lot of cool new places. I started in southwest Missouri where I lived up until August. Leaving on August 5th, I took a detour and drove to northwest Ohio, where I picked up my (now ex) girlfriend who was being kicked out of her house. For her privacy, I won’t go into details about any of what happened with her.
We got back on the road immediately, headed to Denver for my work conference. While we were there, I attended a team building exercise with my coworkers at a pretty fun escape room. It was a great way to bond with my colleagues and relax before we went over company regulations. After that, we all went to a local pizza parlor for dinner and got to know each other better. The next day, my ex and I went to Round 1 to play some games before getting on the road again.
After Denver, we set out south toward a little tourist town called Buena Vista, where we met up with one of my best friends. We spent the day exploring the town, trying out some local restaurants, and enjoying the beautiful scenery. The Arkansas River was particularly stunning, with its crystal-clear (but very cold) water reflecting the vibrant colors of the surrounding mountains. I put my feet in the water to cool down for a while and really enjoyed the nature around me. I’ll be going back to Buena Vista regularly to see my bestie and vacation there.
From BV, we drove all the way out to Santa Rosa, California to see our other partner. We had a great time exploring the local parks and surrounding towns. We stayed for a little over a week, going thrifting in Petaluma, and exploring the town of Santa Rosa. I took pictures next to all the Peanuts characters around town. The creator of the Peanuts characters, Charles M. Schulz, lived and worked in Santa Rosa for over 30 years, and the town has dedicated statues of all the characters in his honor.
Halfway through my stay in Santa Rosa, I left for a few days to visit my friend in Salt Lake City and see the Nine Inch Nails concert on August 14. The concert was amazing. The band’s performance was electrifying, and the energy in the room was palpable. I was blown away by the intensity of their music and the passion of the crowd. The people sitting behind me were having lots of fun and commented on my dance moves. We danced together and everyone had a great time.
I stayed in Salt Lake for a day before driving back to Santa Rosa, and we visited some secondhand game and music stores. I got a speeding ticket on my way back to Santa Rosa because I was excited to see my partners again 😭
Before setting out, we visited San Francisco and walked the Golden Gate Bridge together. My ex from ohio and I drove to LA where we visited a couple of my other friends. While we were in the LA area, we visited an outdoor mall, went to the Huntington Beach Pier, and went to the Downtown Disneyland District.
The next day, my ex and I set out for Tucson, where I lived previously. We spent the day exploring the city and visiting some of my favorite spots. We met up with some old and new friends, and had a great time at the Round 1 here in Tucson. We ended up staying for a few days at an AirBnB before a couple of my friends offered us a room at their place, where I’ve stayed since.
That’s where our travels end, but some side notes I had include:
- FUCK Indiana roads. I’ve never driven on worse roads in my life.
- Don’t speed through Elko Nevada. They get most of their funding from tickets.
- I really like California but holy shit gas is expensive.
Arizona & New Friends
I originally moved back from Tucson to Missouri last year because of an abusive roommate situation that was good for nobody involved. Now that I’ve moved back, I’ve been able to focus on my own life and make some amazing new friends who’ve been a huge support system for me. I’ve also been able to explore the city and discover some hidden gems that I never would have found otherwise.
We’ve gone thrifting in tons of new places, seen some awesome art installations, and explored the local food scene. I haven’t done a lot of catching up with old friends, but I’m eternally grateful for my new friends. Some of our highlights include going to new Japanese restaurants, seeing the new Chainsaw Man movie, and picking out buttons for a sweater my friend is making for me.
Since I returned, my friend from Salt Lake came and visited me. We explored the city together, and explored some of the surrounding area. We made plans to go hiking but didn’t have time due to other commitments. At nights, he introduced me to Berserk (1997), which was a great anime that I enjoyed watching.
I’ve since been introducing my new friends to some of my favorite spots in town, watching anime with them, and they’ve reintroduced me to reading. I’m focusing on the Reacher series by Lee Child, but I’m saving up to start collecting manga for some of my favorite series. Some manga I want to get are:
- Jujutsu Kaisen
- Spy x Family
- Berserk
- One Piece
- Chainsaw Man
- Death Note
- Tokyo Ghoul
- Assassination Classroom
Getting Laid Off…
This is where this post is going to go downhill. In September, I was laid off from my company. I won’t give details about my work, but I’m grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow. I’m currently job searching in the area and remotely. Reintroducing myself to the job market has been difficult, but I have experience in multiple fields, including software development, private security, and retail. I’m using my varied experience to leverage all different aspects of my career to find a new opportunity that aligns with my energy level and passions. I’m also exploring new hobbies and interests to keep myself engaged and motivated during this transition.
Moving
I wasn’t originally planning to move but my roommate in Missouri didn’t want another roommate and my ex needed somewhere to go, so I took the offer from my friends here in Tucson and haven’t been back to Missouri to gather my belongings yet. Given that I’m currently struggling I have to wait until I’m more settled and financially stable before I can move forward with my plans to get everything down here. I have my MacBook, but it’s been stressful not having my desktop rig or any of my instruments. I really want to play games and make sound again but I can’t afford to move everything down here right now. This layoff really threw a wrench in my move and my plans and I’m currently re-evaluating my priorities and goals while I figure out what’s next.
Relationships are Dumb
I broke up with my partners in September and since then I’ve rather enjoyed being single. I’m tired of bullshit relationships and I’m looking for something more meaningful and fulfilling. Making and maintaining new frienships has proven to be far more worth my time. Given my past trauma with relationships I’m grappling with the idea that I may need to take a step back and reevaluate my approach to relationships. I’m not sure if I’m ready to commit to someone yet, but I’m open to the possibility of finding someone who can support me and help me grow as a person. Or, I could just be aromantic, I’m still figuring that out.
The past 2 years I’ve been in and out of relationships. I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I want in a partner. I’ve also learned a lot about other people and I’ll admit I’ve become jaded towards love after all the heartbreak and disappointment. It’s vain to go into every detail so I won’t be elaborating further but I’m just tired of hurting and being hurt.
Bodies are Even Dumber
Since my car accident in early 2024, I’ve been in constant pain. It only gets worse as time goes on and I keep destroying my body for the sake of my wallet. It makes everything I do 10x more difficult. It’s difficult to get out of bed, difficult to move around, and forget finding any job that requires physical effort. It’s impossible to have sex. Even driving takes a toll on my body and mind. My settlement payment is $350. I waited two whole years to be told all I’m getting is three fiddy. Whatever, I just want it to be over. It’ll cover my speeding ticket. Fuck the guy that brake checked us and fuck the RAM driver who tailgated us. I guess I’m grateful to be alive and healthy enough to write this.
Brains are Just Plain Stupid.
Besides the other stressors in my life, my physical pain has really taken a toll on my mental health. I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression, and it’s been difficult to find the motivation to do anything. I’ve also been struggling with my self-esteem, feeling like I’m not worth anything because of my physical limitations and my emotional shortcomings. I keep moving despite that, but it’s felt pointless for a while now.
After years of forgiving, and forgiving, and continuing to get hurt, I’ve been learning that petty vengeance feels really fucking good. It’s a release of anger and frustration, and it’s a way to take control of my own life. It’s not about getting even, it’s about taking back my power and my dignity. I’d never hurt someone in an act of petty vengeance, but doing small things to release my anger and frustration has been cathartic. I burned my ex’s clothes, burned the photos of us together, and I’m still feeling good about it. Fire cleanses the pain, the anger, the frustration. Fire cleanses all.
Therapy doesn’t do shit. I spent 6 months in therapy and it was helpful, but it had no lasting effect. My psychiatrist took me on, then tried to fast track me back to my primary care physician before I was stable because she was retiring. My therapist also fast tracked me to going in every other month before I was ready for it. When they did this shit, during the two months I wasn’t in therapy I almost did something very permanent and stupid. It feels like they just wanted to damage control rather than help me, and it lowkey feels like the American healthcare system at its finest.
Conclusion
That’s about it, this year isn’t over yet but it’d take a miracle to make it a good one atp. I didn’t really scratch the surface of what I truly want to say in regards to the bad, but I’ve been trying to air out my dirty laundry a lot less recently. I’m trying to focus on the good things in my life and appreciate them more.
I’m grateful for all my friends who’ve supported me through this hell of a year. I’d like to thank all of the friends who have stayed and say a big fat FUCK YOU to the fake ass “friends” who abandoned me when I needed them the most.
Thanks for reading. GG, go next. Hope 2026 is actually worth my time or I think I’ma just check out and call it quits.
